In over 50 years of life, this could be one of my toughest days. In retrospect, I have been very blessed. Looking back, my challenges are small in comparison to people who face loss of loved ones, insurmountable odds in daily life and life threatening illnesses. My challenges are most often self-directed or in choices I make. Today is one of those.
Within hours I will sign papers that will alter my life's course. The past days weeks and months have moved toward this day. I knew it was coming but the finality and all it means continues to crush down. It is a choice of mine unlike the sentence it is for others around me. The negative impact and the distance this choice has created was underestimated. So I sit alone immersed in my thoughts and emotions. This has been the most difficult 100 days of my life and I continue to face the winds of change, fear, rejection and silence. I see and hear the impact of my decision both around me and in me. Today is the day.
Next week I will go through the process of packing up what little I will take away from my current world. I will bring with me a few items that comfort me or link me to great memories. I will take an armful of pictures and not allow myself to forget the great past I have experienced. I will go through the motions knowing it will be extremely hard to walk away for the last time. I will leave the comfort I know and enter a new reality. I will drive, park, board a jet to another country where my language is mostly useless and go to my new home. I will fight through emotion, logistics, loneliness to find my core, my beliefs, rekindle a sense of worth and a path to my future. I have traveled for over 30 years for business mostly alone. However, this trip, this destination, this time, I am alone in a much different way. I will be strong but there will be so many moments that all the mistakes and damage I have done in my life will come back - it will be bigger, hit me deeper. I will find myself buried in all the things in my life I have hidden behind. I will be stripped of my identity and the things I stood for but I also hid behind. This is my choice. This is my challenge. This is my life.