It is a warm afternoon in the NW Suburbs of Chicago. The noise of contractors working outside on the deck has drug on all day but they are nearing the end of one deck. It seems as if we have been renovating this house since the day we bought it. Replacing the decks have been an expensive but necessary job.
In two weeks, it will be 6 months since I took a executive sales position with a medium size company ending nearly three years of retirement. It is familiar territory for me - selling has been my life and I have experienced it at the street level to the board room. Taking this position was a good decision and the ride so far has been positive.
I am in a pretty good place. This morning, I had the opportunity to speak with my daughter T for nearly an hour. Her little two year old lady was busy but quiet which allowed us to talk about their new home, Jorge's new job, moving back to the USA, a few of their plans as well as my thoughts on retirement. This time for good. I read an article yesterday that quoted actuaries for large companies reporting people who retired at 55 took pensions for an average of 20 years where people who worked until 65 and took a later pension, died on average within two years. Seems pretty remarkable but difficult to explain.
I am not entirely sure what brings me here today. I do enjoy writing and have urges when I need to write and use this format as an outlet, release, and friend. I expect to begin to writing more often and speak from the heart versus what an audience may want to hear. Being authentic is important if not critical.
So looking back over the last few years, what would I change. First off, I would not have underestimated the impact of going through a divorce. Far too often I feel the pain of leaving a woman that I know loved me and gave me so much of herself. It hurts to inflict pain on another person but it is a completely different level when it is someone you have shared so many good memories and difficult time. The weight of that decision is heavy on my heart and I will struggle to ever feel complete relief. Needless to say, her side of the equation has been far more difficult, more of a challenge, and many more sleepless nights than I have experienced. Therefore, it is difficult to express my pain knowing hers is far worse than mine.
I underestimated the impact my divorce would have on my adult children. While the boys were less affected than the girls, no one came out better. We all lost a huge amount - both as a family and as individuals. I bear the weight of the decision today and how dramatically it changed all of our futures. Every individual has the right to make a decision about their path, their future but the collateral damage was underestimated by a considerable amount.
Today, I am a different person. I think through things longer and move at a slower pace. My "I don't give a shit" attitude is significantly tempered. I do care. I often care too much. I still have lack of patience and feel let small frustrations bleed over into my reactions. I do spent far more time in the present than I do driving to the future. I am developing an appreciation for simplicity, quiet, and, at times, being alone.
So I go forward living with decisions I made decades ago, years ago, and yesterday. I believe that if you don't like where you are or how your life is, speak to the author. No one else is responsible for your life and your future other than you. I accept responsibility and understand I cannot undo the past. I am willing to say I am sorry and know I will get better. It is a full job being me and I work at it every day.