Trying to change by developing new habits is not easy for me yet the need to improve enters my thoughts often. The desire to change is typically internally driven yet I hear feedback that confirms my areas of weakness. When I reflect on who I am today and do a self assessment, I recognize many changes on the past five years. The most dramatic is going through a divorce that changed my path forever. Add in retiring, moving out of state, and remarrying to the mix, and major change was inevitable.
Today, I believe that I have slowed down. I am less in a hurry and have become more aware of being present in situations. I sold my race car and bought a pick-up. I bought a new home in the north woods that is isolated and takes me to a new world. It takes me closer to nature and keeps me in awe of the world around me through peace and quiet. While taking walks on the empty roads of our development, I stop to listen multiple times and hear nothing. Occasionally a nuthatch or a crow but more often than not, silence. It is an amazing feeling.
More introspection highlights was needs to be changed. I don't have a spiritual connection that I believe is best for me. Recently, within the past couple of years, we have grown much closer to my brother and his wife. They have always been more religious than I have but I push back against anyone telling me what I should do. I observed from afar and think about what feels right for me.
My 16 years of Catholic education have pointed me in certain directions but being a "cafeteria" Catholic, I have not been great in this area. I watched my Dad, who was a Lutheran until he was 50, pray the rosary every lunch hour and profess the power of the rosary. I have tried his path many times but have yet to consistently make it a part of my habits. I am currently reading a book titled I Heard God Laugh and it teaches how to pray. There is danger in this approach due to me being prone to get on something after I read about it and it becomes the hot ticket of the week or month. Time will tell if I can use this as a springboard to change this aspect of my life.
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